


There is always tomorrow

by Chessala



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Death, Don't leave me, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M, Sickness, Tears, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-17 05:46:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9308045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chessala/pseuds/Chessala
Summary: Slowly, ever so slowly, I open my eyes and turn my head. I am not surprised that I am not alone in the room. At the window that lets me see the cherry trees in front of the hospital, Viktor is standing with a half peeled apple in his hand. He turns around and smiles, stepping closer to the bed, wiping some tears off my cheek with a gentle touch."Did you have a sad dream again?"He asks while trying to sound cheerful so I don't notice the tears that are still visible in the corners of his eyes. I shake my head and manage to smile a little."I was dreaming about our time in Barcelona for the Grand Prix and how you cried when I told you to leave me behind."





	1. I don't want to leave you (Yuuri)

I have never thought much about time going by. Days, weeks, months - I was always too busy to notice them passing. And why would it have been any different? My training kept me on my toes and helped me to deal with many things in my life, mainly my anxiety. When I felt fear gripping me, nothing would help better than getting lost in my training routine. I knew I only had mediocre talent and sometimes I still can't believe how far I have come. Of course I would have never won any medal without his, Viktor's, help.  
Up to this day I wonder what he saw in me back then to risk his whole career to coach me. I have asked him many times but his answers don't make much sense to me. It was when Viktor became an active part in my life, rather than just a person I admired, that time took on a new meaning for me. I felt like the time I had with him was so limited that I didn't even consider his take on the matter.

'Viktor will leave me in a few months' time' – that's what was constantly on my mind. And while I dreaded every second that brought his leaving closer, I was also more happy than I had ever been in my life. What did it matter if he left in the future? He was with me now and maybe, just maybe, we could spend time together after I had retired. I had all the time in the world and I needed a new perspective for my life anyway.  
It never crossed my mind that he would actually want to stay with me, that I had changed his life just as much as he had changed mine. I only realized it when I was about to push him away from me in Barcelona. I had made up my mind to retire so that Viktor could return to being a competitive skater, instead of wasting his time as my coach. But when I looked up to meet his gaze, he was crying.  
I sometimes smile thinking of this. Never did it cross my mind that Viktor Nikiforov would cry because I am telling him that he can stop babysitting me and go back to his career. It completely took me by surprise and my heart aches while I smile remembering this moment, the moment that changed everything for me.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I open my eyes and turn my head. I am not surprised that I am not alone in the room. At window that lets me see the cherry trees in front of the hospital, Viktor is standing with a half peeled apple in his hand. He turns around and smiles, stepping closer to the bed, wiping some tears off my cheek with a gentle touch.

"Did you have a sad dream again?"

He asks while trying to sound cheerful so I don't notice the tears that are still visible in the corners of his eyes. I shake my head and manage to smile a little.

"I was dreaming about our time in Barcelona for the Grand Prix and how you cried when I told you to leave me behind."

He steps closer, a hint of pain visible on his face. Grabbing a chair that has been placed near the bed, he sits down and takes my hand, squeezing it gently.

"I still can't believe you thought you would be in my way after everything that had happened. I just wanted to grab and shake you so you come to your senses...."

He shakes his head, fighting with his emotions. It's been like that every day for the past months. He tries his best not to let me see in how much pain he is. It makes me want to scream at him that he should have left me behind back then. I am sure his life would be happier now if I hadn't given him that ring and asked him to stay with me in the end.

My eyes wander to his right hand where he is still wearing the golden ring I put on his finger in Barcelona, chaining him to me. My own ring is lying on the night stand next to me as my fingers have gotten too thin for it to stay on. I reach out and take it in my hands, squeezing it tightly.

_No, don't cry...don't cry Yuuri._

I take a deep breath, my fingers shaking as I keep the ring clenched between my fingers. It had been intended as a good Luck charm and so much more and yet, all it has brought him is misery. I can feel the tears gathering in my eyes and I hurry to wipe them away before they can run down my cheeks.

"Yuuri...."

I looks up and see my pain reflected in his eyes. I'm not being fair, am I? I'm keeping him for myself even though there is nothing I can give him anymore. It's hard to believe we only had a few years together, they went by so fast without either of us noticing. If I had known our time is limited, I would have pushed him away so he can be happy for good.  
He wraps his arms around me, protecting me with his warmth and love as I start sobbing violently once again. Somehow this happens every day, doesn't it Viktor? You are the last person I see before falling asleep and the first person I see when I wake up. Do you even leave the room when I sleep my days away? I don't know but just thinking that all he does is sit next to me crying, while I am sleeping away the bit of time I have left, hurts.  
  
I push him away gently and manage a small smile again while wiping away my tears.

"I'm fine, Viktor. I... I'm sorry for breaking down again."

He shakes his head and squeezes my hands again, causing his ring to shine in the sunset's reflection.

"You have no reason to apologize, Yuuri. You'll get better soon and we can go back to the rink together, just like we promised each other."

He smiles but his eyes betray what he is thinking, what we both know. It has been six months since I have been admitted to the hospital and while the doctors keep changing the medicine, my condition hasn't improved at all. The pills and drips make me so sleepy that all I can do is eat and sleep on some days.  
I use the bit of strength I have and squeeze one of his hands as well, looking into his eyes.

"Yes... and as soon as I can leave this place, let's go to Barcelona once more, there are so many places we haven't been to yet."

He nods and lets go of my hands to stretch a little. How tired he looks now, the complete opposite of the energetic person that turned my life upside down. I lie back and close my eyes as he tugs me in.

"You should go outside a bit Viktor, I can call a nurse if I need help."

He looks insecure and is about to say something when the door opens and my mother enters the room.

"He is right Vicchan, I'll stay with him while you take a walk and get some decent food. You haven't left the hospital in days and it won't help Yuuri if you get sick as well."

She winks at me and pushes Viktor out of the room before sitting down next to me. I can see that she had heard our previous conversation but refrained from coming into the room so we can have some time together while I am awake. She gives me an encouraging smile while finishing to peel the forgotten apple that Viktor had left behind. When she is done, she helps me sit up properly, putting the plate of apple slices on the table.

"Did you manage to tell him yet, Yuuri?"

I shake my head, clenching the sheets with my weak hands. I know I can't put it off much longer and yet the words seem to refuse to leave my mouth. This is by far the hardest challenge I ever had to face.

"You know, your father and I thought about this and we don't think that he will take it very well and it will put additional strain on you too. Don't you think he can make his own decision?"

I laugh bitterly and look at her, a new wave of tears clouding my view.

"Do you really think he will agree to leave if I ask him to? He would have done so already if that is what he wanted."

She looks at me and shakes her head.

"Then why won't you let him stay? If...if what the doctors say is true, then...."

She can't finish the sentence and starts sobbing violently. Only a few days ago the doctors had told her that I won't have more than another month to live. They have exhausted their possibilities to help me and let me know that all they can do now is to make me comfortable for the time I have left. It came as a shock to my parents and me, even though it should have been obvious. I thought I had a bit more time left with them, with Viktor.  
I haven't told him about what the doctors said yet but I know I have to and I know at the same time, I have to push him away so he can live his life without me. Just thinking about it makes it difficult for me to breath.

Just a few months ago, we had started to make plans for a vacation after the skating season had ended. It had been the last season for both of us as we had decided to retire together. Thinking about it now, I hadn't felt very healthy during the competitions already, which is what caused me to only win bronze at the Grand Prix Finale. I thought it was because my body couldn't stand the strain anymore, I was 29 now after all and I could feel the heavy training taking its toll on me more and more.  
Viktor had stayed with me in competitive skating all those years and despite him being four years older than me, I only managed to beat him once. It didn't matter though as all I needed was to have him by my side as my coach, my rival and my lover.  
We had been on our way to the airport to return to Hasetsu when I started to feel dizzy. Viktor had wanted me to go to the hospital back then but I brushed off his worry with a smile and told him I would go the next day. I wonder if things would have ended differently if I had gone when he wanted me to? It took him over a month to convince me to finally get examined. To be honest, when I collapsed he just grabbed me and carried me to the hospital himself, I didn't have much of the choice in the matter. The next day, I was moved into this very room and I have only left it for some occasional walks with Viktor ever since.  
At least they used to be walks in the beginning, now all I can do is sit in a wheelchair while he pushes me. I have apologized to him for the missed vacation so many times, I even told him to go on his own, which made him get really angry.

I can hear my mother slowly calming down. Her breathing is getting calmer and she manages to get the sobs under control. I manage to smile at her, which almost makes her break down in tears again.

"I can't be so selfish to ask him to stay with me until the end, can I? He has given me 7 years of his life already, first as my friend and coach and then as the most important person in my life. I want him to be happy, is that so bad?"

She shakes her head and takes a deep breath. Her voice sounds strained and resigned when she talks.

"No, but we also think that he should be the one to decide if he wants to be with you or not."

I think about this for a moment. How would I feel if our places were switched and he would tell me he doesn't want me near him anymore? I would be hurt, more than ever before in my life. Do I really want to do this to him again? Haven't I hurt him enough already? I shake my head as if to answer my own question.

"You are right, I will leave the decision to him. I will talk to him when he is back."


	2. I don't want to lose you (Viktor)

When was it that the world started to look so grey again? I am sure that a long time ago, the cherry trees looked more vivid than they do now. Or maybe it's just me after all. The world just hasn't looked the same ever since the day I carried Yuuri to the hospital after he collapsed. It's strange how a mere 6 months can change the world, can change my world, so much.  
I can avoid thinking about it when I am with him, at least sometimes. Every now and then, it's almost like nothing has changed at all – we are outside laughing together and the only thing that is different is that he is now in a wheelchair in front of me instead of matching his steps with mine. Is it wrong of me to wish that we could go back to the way it used to be? I don't think so, since that would also mean he is healthy again and we can enjoy our life together. The possibility that we could ever be apart is something that I didn't even cross my mind only a few months ago.

I clench my fists, my nails digging into my skin as I listen to the cheerful singing of birds. Sometimes I wonder if this world is mocking me, as if it is trying to tell me in its own way that I should just give up on true happiness. Why else would it take the only person that has ever made me feel complete away from me so soon? Yes, the time we have when we are happy always feels to short and I wouldn't have complained if we could say our goodbyes when we are old and grey, after a lifetime of happiness together.  
Something wet runs down my fingers and I lift my hands to see that my nails had made small cuts on the inside of my hands. Nothing to worry about, they will heal on their own. Yes, I will heal and in a few days it will be as if nothing had ever happened. So why is it that he has to suffer like this? Why can't I take him and heal him the same way my hands heal?

Every day, I watch him get a little bit weaker. Every day, I see him having more and more trouble to lift his hands or stay awake. He can't even sit up without help anymore and when he tried to squeeze my hand, I could feel the effort it took him for just this small gesture of affection. Is me being by his side hurting him? Does my presence cause him even more pain because he blames himself for making me suffer? Yuuri, how could I not suffer when I can feel you grasping at straws to not show me your desperation every day? You try to smile at me to give me courage and yet your smile breaks my heart a little more every time I see it; because I know it's not real, because I know you don't smile because you are happy.

I turn around and look back at the hospital, my eyes wandering to the window that I know is his. I imagine I can see him sitting there from down here, chatting with his mother, and I smile a little. He has the same soft character as she does and when he has a few pounds to much, he looks just like her. They even blush the same way when they are flustered.  
I am painfully aware of what they are talking about though. Yuuri hasn't told me yet but when I heard his mother's heart-wrenching scream a few days ago, I rushed to his room and heard what the doctors said to him. He didn't notice me but while I seemed to be composed on the outside, I could feel his soul shattering the same way mine did.

I walked away from the room before either of them noticed me then. I can't remember how long I walked, all I remember is that I found myself at the beach with silent tears running down my cheeks. Of course we had known that there wasn't much hope after all this time and yet, I had the hope that somehow everything would turn out right. I remember sinking into the sand and staring at the waves as they carried away the last bit of meaning in my life. One month, one month was all we had left together.  
How do you fill one short month with a lifetime of happiness? How can I bring out his radiant smile once more when death is already having one hand on his shoulder?

_"Let's go on vacation together once you are better."_

How often did this sentence cross our lips in one form or another while we knew it would never happen? How often have we lied to ourselves and each other because we couldn't stand looking at reality?

_Yuuri, why are you leaving me alone? How can I be alive without you by my side?_

Every day I ponder these questions and yet I haven't found an answer to them yet. How can I think of the future when the very meaning of my existence is slowly fading away in front of my eyes? There is no future without you in it, Yuuri.

I close my eyes and recall the memories of our first Grand Prix together. The very same memories that he woke up from not long ago. And I remember the bliss that followed after our decisions to stay together forever. Figure skating had always been important to me but because of Yuuri, it had gained another meaning without which I would not have been able to continue competing in earnest. With his innocent way he taught me to see the world in a different light – his light. In so many ways, he had become my guiding light, my solace, my everything.  
I take a deep breath and open my eyes again and walk away from the hospital, making my way to a nearby ramen stand. I don't feel hungry but I don't want him to worry because I don't eat. I order my usual bowl and the owner looks at me with a sad smile. Of course he knows Yuuri and what has been going on, everyone in Hasetsu does. Everyone wants to ask the same question – 'When will he be cured' – but no one asks as I am sure they can see the reply before even asking the question. I start eating in silence, hardly feeling any taste as I swallow the food only to give my body the nutrition it needs.

I finish the ramen and smile at the stall owner, who in return waves his hand when I am about to pay for the food.

"Don't mind it, it's on the house today."

I want to protest but he makes it very clear that we won't accept a single coin from me today. Only now I notice that he hasn't let me pay for my food in a while and I make a mental not to make it up to him at a later point.

_And you thought you were fighting alone in the past Yuuri. Just look around, you have a whole town rooting for you, even now._

Turning around, I notice the sun slowly setting for the first time. How long have I been away from his side? Maybe an hour? Without noticing, my strides get longer as I hurry back to the hospital. They let me stay as long as I want but right now I feel that I want to be with Yuuri every second of the day. I start running – what if something has happened to him while I am gone? What if I can't be with him when....when....  
I shake my head to clear it from these kind of thoughts. No, we still have a month ahead of us and I have decided to make every second of it count. I won't sit next to him with my head down, it will only make it harder for him. I find myself smiling as I run even faster. What had happened to me to get lost in my own depression while he is doing his best to fight a battle he knows he can't win. How much have I hurt him by giving in to my own despair when the only thing I can do for him is show that he changed me and gave my life its meaning?

I arrive at the hospital gasping for air. Months without training had brought my stamina down quite a bit but I don't care. When I am about to enter, a small gift shop at the entrance catches my attention for the first time. I stroll over and look at a small piggy plush that seems to be smiling at me. Little piggy had been the first nickname I had ever given him. Of course many others, more intimate ones, followed this but somehow, this memory still feels very special to me.  
I buy the little plush and make my way to his room. I knock, fully expecting his mother to still be with him but when I enter the room, he is alone, sitting upright in the bed. He turns around when he hears me close the door and looks at me. How much his expression reminds me of his declaration in Barcelona when he told me he wanted me to return to the ice without him. I pretend not to notice anything and walk over to the bed, placing a soft kiss on the top of his head. For a moment he smiles but then his expression changes back to how it was when I entered the room. I sit down, bracing myself for what he would undoubtedly ask of me. I knew this moment would come and I have made up my mind long ago.

I can see him struggling with himself to tell me what he knows he can't put off much longer. I stay silent, waiting for him to overcome this final hurdle. Finally, he takes a deep breath and locks my eyes with his, his voice unusually calm.

"I'm dying, Viktor."

His words hurt. Even though I knew it was happening and that I needed him to tell me, hearing it from his own mouth made the fact so real that I barely manage to not lose my composure. I keep looking at him in silence, waiting for him to continue. While he tries to not let his own pain show, I can now hear the strain in his voice clearly.

"The doctors said they can't do anything for me anymore and that.....I shouldn't expect to live much longer than another month at best."

I'm so proud of him. I can see how much saying this hurts him as it erases even the last doubt from his own mind. But I can also see acceptance in his eyes now, something that hadn't been there when I left him earlier. I sit down next to him on the bed and wrap my arms around him, placing gentle kisses on his cheeks. He is shaking and his voice is dangerously close to failing him when he finally continues to speak.

"Viktor ... I .... thank you for having stayed with me these last months and for the time I could spent with you before that. I know I don't need to say it but I love you, more than anything in this world."

He moves a little as a sign that he wants me to let go and I do so. I place my hand on his, fighting with myself to stay calm.

"And because I love you .... I want you to leave, Viktor. I can't give you anything anymore."

His shoulders slump down and he finally allows the tears to run down his cheeks. He looks like he can't believe his own words when he speaks once more, so low that I can hardly hear him.

"I can't make you happy....."

I feel my eyes burning as I fight the tears. I won't cry right now, I need him to understand what I feel first. I gently cup his face with my hands and lean over, placing a soft kiss on his lips that carries everything I feel for him. I can feel him wanting to pull back for a moment but then he simply leans into the kiss, a kiss that I am sure he thinks is my goodbye. The moment passes too fast and I have to break our touch as I can feel him having troubles to breathe properly. I wait for him to get his breathing back to normal before I start talking. My voice sounds strangely calm to myself.

"Yuuri, do you remember what I told you in Barcelona?"

He nods slowly and tries to say something but this time, I cut him off.

"Then you also remember that I told you that I want to be with you forever."

He nods again but this time he stays quiet, knowing that I would not let him talk until I have finished what I want to tell him.

"I am sorry, Yuuri, but I can't do as you say. I won't leave you."

I finally allow the tears to gather in my eyes.

"You don't need to do anything for me, you don't need to make me happy anymore because the years I spent with you have already been the happiest in my life. How could I ask you for anything else? The only thing I ask of you is that you let me stay with you until the end."

He opens his mouth and then closes it again, unable to protest as I am sure he had been planning to do. Instead, he lowers his head in defeat, speaking in a low voice again.

"I wanted to tell you that I don't want you by my side, that my feelings have changed and that I want you to leave me......"

He looks at me and shakes his head, his voice getting louder and more desperate.

"But I can't, I am too selfish. I have taken months away from you already and now I selfishly ask you to stay with me until I die! I'm dying, Viktor, dying! I will vegetate away and probably sleep most of the day! Do you really want this? Do you really want to stay with the pathetic person I have become?"

He suddenly chokes on his own spit and I gently rub his back until his breathing goes back to normal. He clenches the sheet with one hand as sweat runs down his arm. His other hand rests on my own arm, holding on to it as if holding on to life itself. I gently help him to get more comfortable again and place a kiss on his forehead.

“I have told you this before Yuuri but you are neither weak nor pathetic. And…..”

I have to stop for a moment as my voice threatens to break with the emotions that are raging inside of me.

“And I want to be with you, no matter how little time we have. I don’t want to miss a single moment of it.”

I manage to smile at him just a little and decide to keep the last of what I wanted to say to myself.

_Because there will be too many moments without you in the future._

 

 


	3. Why? (Yuri)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, this took me incredibly long to finish! And I made myself cry with it too.

I sigh as I walk through the busy corridors of the hospital, partly in anger and partly in sadness. In all honestly, I had wanted to come here months ago when I had heard that he had collapsed. But somehow I never found the courage to actually do so and instead lost myself in the skating competitions that were still ongoing, at least until now.

With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I suddenly register the alarm beeping in the nurse station I just passed and I turn my head, watching the nurses jump up and rush past me to a room not far ahead.  My heart skips a beat and I feel like someone is kicking my insides. I jump as I hear the sound of something falling to the floor and hot wetness hits the hem of my pants. 

“Yuuri…..”

The tone in his voice sends cold shivers down my spine and I turn around to look into Viktor’s mortified face. Not caring about the dropped cup of coffee, he runs past me to the room the nurses had disappeared in. I am about to follow when I see a nurse pushing him outside again with a determined expression.

“You would only be in the way Mr. Nikiforov. We are doing what we can so please give us room to work.”

He shakes his head, agony written all-over his face and it almost breaks me to see him fall to pieces in front of my eyes. But I know the nurse is right and I take a few strides and grab his arm. He doesn’t even look at me as I pull him away, mumbling some half-hearted rational sentences. I know the nurse is right but the steady beeping sound coming from the heart-rate monitor in his room is distracting me. One interruption – then the constant being again. I hear the doctors screaming for injections and a new charge. Another beep and my ears hurt from the sound of my own blood rushing through them. Next to me, Viktor is sobbing, repeating Yuuri’s name over and over, begging an invisible god to not take him away just yet, to give them just another day.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

I look up at the repeated sound and the sudden absence of all commotion in the room.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

I release a breath I hadn’t noticed I was holding.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Next to me, Viktor has stopped moving, has stopped sobbing, has stopped breathing as he listens to the sound. People start leaving the room and Viktor sinks back into the chair he is sitting on, his body suddenly losing all tension.

One of the doctor, a middle-aged man with a kind expression, comes to us and puts a hand on Viktor’s shoulder. He looks up and puts his hand on top of the doctor’s, thanking him while tears run down his face. The doctor nods, looking drained.

“He is stable for now and should wake up soon. You should go to him but don’t agitate him.”

The man’s voice gets lower, a hint of sadness playing in it.

“We don’t know how much time he has left but this was the third attack this week. You should….be prepared Mr. Nikiforov.”

Viktor tenses again and nods as he gets up. The doctor, his name tag reads Nishiyama, nods and leaves us. For the first time, Viktor turns to me and looks at me, only realizing my presence now.

“Ah, Yurio…..”

I barely recognize his voice. I take a good look at him, at the dark rings below his eyes, the paler than usual skin and the haunted expression on his face and I cringe inside. Viktor Nikiforov had truly died in any possible way but his body’s.

He tries to give me a smile and fails, his face turning into a grimace that is hard to look at. I just nod and look away, still haunted by the emptiness of his eyes. I have known Viktor for more than half my life but this person is not Viktor Nikiforov. How can he be when one part of his existence is lying only a few steps away, dying.

He takes a deep breath and turns to the room, speaking in the same tone of voice as before.

“I am glad you could make it, he has been asking for you lately…..”

His voice trails off as tears run down his cheeks and he hurries to brush them away with the sleeve of his shirt. His eyes are red from the hours he undoubtedly has spent crying at the side of Yuuri’s bed. The thought of it makes my chest clench.

They had been so obviously **happy** ever since they met that it has pissed me off more than once. The casual hugs, the looks, the secret smiles, the soft sound in their voices – how could two people be so obviously in love and yet so oblivious to the world around them? I didn’t understand it back then, probably because I was still too young at the time. Why, oh why does it have to be like this now?

“Let’s go to him….”

It’s all I can say as there are just no words to take away the pain. He nods and suddenly looks scared as his eyes wander to the now deserted room save for the man lying in the bed.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

The monitor sounds get louder as we step through the door. Viktor takes one of the chairs that has been pushed aside in the earlier rush and sits down next to Yuuri, cradling the man’s hand with his own, the golden ring gleaming on his finger. I remember the say they had exchanged their rings vividly. I had been shocked even though I should have known they would fall prey to these kind of cheesy gestures.

A small sound can be heard from Yuuri as he slowly open his eyes. He turns his head slowly, oh so slowly, and looks at Viktor, the tiniest of smiles on the corner of his mouth. When he talks, his voice is barely above a whisper and the finality of his words make my stomach churn.

“It happened again, didn’t it?”

I can see Viktor’s back straighten as he nods, gently caressing the younger man’s hand with his thump.

“You’re still here.”

He manages a small smile but I can see him desperately trying to avoid his body from shaking. I never thought I would have to see him like this, he is supposed to be happy, damn it! I feel the anger at rising in me unreasonably. Anger at the younger man that is absolutely not at fault for what is happening to him. And yet, why is he allowing it to happen? How can he just be dying without even getting my approval first?

I bite the inside of my cheek and step closer to the bed, placing one hand on my hip as I look down to him.

“Did you just want to avoid seeing me, Katsudon?”

He blinks at the sound of the familiar system and he finally notices my presence, shattering me with the look he gives me. The smile tugs more on his lips and a small chuckle escapes him.

“There is a name I haven’t heard in a while. Welcome back, Yurio.”

Why? Why? Why? **Why?** This just isn’t fair! How can this really be happening? I can feel myself choking and do my best to pretend I am clearing my throat as I speak in a voice that is surprisingly steady.

“It’s only been a year, don’t be such a drama queen.”

His smile widens a little more and I can feel myself screaming inside. My eyes wander to Viktor and he looks so lonely despite the smile that is on his lips.

Why did I come back here? I have avoided it for so long for exactly this. But how could I have stayed away any longer after Viktor called me, begging me to come with everything but his words. My eyes go back to the Yuuri as he starts talking again, his voice more tired than it has been only a few minutes ago.

“Has it? It feels much longer. Congratulations on winning the World Championship. Phichit told me when he was here the other day.”

Viktor told me on the phone that he had called all their friends so they could visit Yuuri once more before he didn’t have the energy anymore. He slips in and out of sleep constantly these days and sometimes sees them in the room even though he is alone with Viktor.

Viktor’s hand moves up to Yuuri’s head and he gently runs his fingers through the raven hair.

“You should sleep a bit.”

Yuuri pulls a face and looks at me again.

“But I haven’t seen Yurio for so long. Help me sit up please.”

I can see the dismay in Viktor’s eyes but he obliges and gently leans Yuuri with his back against the pillow, pressing the smallest of kisses on Yuuri’s head when he is done.

He looks so fragile, as if any touch could potentially break him. I pull up a second chair and sit down next to Viktor, who still does his best to not burst into tears while looking at his other half and the millionth time, the word **why** is screaming in my mind.

\--------

The talk is pleasant, I have almost forgotten how much being with these two can put me at easy at times. I never let them know this but I have the feeling they are aware of it anyway. Sometimes being with them made me feel like we were a family.

After a while though, Yuuri is having problems to keep his eyes open and Viktor convinces him to get some sleep, ensuring him that I would not suddenly disappear right away. Whispering a small ‘I love you’ to each other, Yuuri closes his eyes with a smile that unsettles me even though I don’t know why. We make our way to the door and I turn around once more as I hear him say something else. When I turn around his eyes are still closed and his breathing is steady, he must have fallen asleep and I am hearing ghosts.

We go back to our previous seats in the hallway, slumping into the uncomfortable chairs. I watch Viktor from the corner of my eyes and it almost scares me to see him so vulnerable. He has always been the strong one, at least on the outside. But the man that is now sitting next to me only looks tired.

“Thank you for coming, Yurio.”

His voice is soft as he mutters the words to me in Russian and he looks even more drained now.

“He had been asking for you for days now and I was…..I have been…..afraid you wouldn’t be able to make it in time anymore.”

I nods, unable to speak for a moment as I fight the lump that is in my throat.

“I am sorry I didn’t come earlier.”

He shakes his head and looks at me, the steady sound of the heart-monitor coming from the room.

Beep, beep, beep, beep beep.

“You were busy. He has followed all of your competitions, even if he could hardly keep his eyes open. You were amazing. Congratulations for mastering the quadruple Lutz.”

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

“I should have come during some of the down time, you had asked me to weeks ago.”

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

“It’s alright, there was nothing you could have done anyway, Yurio.”

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

I sigh and shake my head, feeling something cold rise inside of me.

“I’m sorry, Viktor.”

Beep, beep, beep, …., beep.

“It’s not your fault….”

Beep, …., beep, …., beep.

“I wish it wouldn’t be like this….”

Something is off, something has changed but I can’t put my finger on what is suddenly so unsettling to me

Beep, ….., ….., beep, …..

He tries to smile at me again.

Beep, ……………………………………….., beep.

“I don’t want him to leave, I am **scared**.”

Beep……………………………………………….

I put a hand on his shoulder, trying hard to find anything to say.

**BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP**

His eyes open wide in panic and he jumps up as the nurses and doctors come rushing back to the room. This time he doesn’t let them keep him out of the room, this time he stands next to the bed and I can see him falling apart from my place at the door, alone, lost, dying just like half his heart is currently on the hospital bed, doctors and nurses frantically trying to bring him back to life.

I step back, covering my ears at the angry beep from the monitor that only gets interrupted by a forced jolt from the defibrillator.

I close my eyes, my hands pressing onto my ears as hard as I can but they can’t block out the scream.

 


End file.
